Hatchet

You may have seen this movie sitting on the shelf at your local best buy recently and wondered what it was doing there. It must not have been very good since the illustrious movie critic you had never heard of it. Well, you were kind of right.
Unless you are a big fan of slasher/thriller films you would likely have not gotten word that Adam Green (Spiral, King in the Box) was directing a good old fashioned American slasher movie. This however, was not the major selling point. The buzz over Hatchet was that is was co-starring the two biggest names to ever wield a blade; Kane Hodder (the man who has played Jason Voorhees more times than anyone else) and the demonic terror of Elm Street himself Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger). These were the names I expected to see on the roster back in 2003 when Freddy vs Jason hit theaters (director Ronny Yu opted to have the 6' 5" Canadian Ken Kirzinger dawn the hockey mask instead of Hodder, to the dismay of many die hard Friday the 13th fans). With these two titans of horror how could Hatchet be anything less than the most gruesome, disturbing, and violent piece of cinema since maybe ... ever?

It was violent.

Hatchet opens with Sampson (Robert Englund) and his son Ainsley fishing for crocodiles in a swamp, moments later Sampson is attacked and disemboweled. So that is it, right there Robert Englund is dead... That's cool right? This is a slasher movie, surely he will come back to life and wreak havoc, right? Nope. He is dead. Gone. In the movie for maybe 8 minutes.
The movie takes place during Mardi Gras, and as you can imagine there are countless women removing their tops (not unfamiliar to the slasher genre). The main character Ben, played be the comedic Joel Moore (Dodgeball, Grandma's Boy) is still writhing from a nasty breakup with his girlfriend and is unimpressed with the nudity and intoxication that occupies his friend's vacation. He takes his pal Marcus and they decide to go on a midnight "scare boat" ride. The boat breaks down in the middle of the swamp near a cabin owned by Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder), a boy who died there from an axe wound to the head years ago and comes back to tear up some people. You can likely guess how the rest of the movie goes from there.

It is maybe not exactly what us slasher fans were hoping for, but you do get to see Kane rip out some spines, tear open some jaws, and impale some girl on a shovel that he just used to decapitate somebody else with. Kane truly was the sparkling gem in this film, he gives Victor Crowley just as much love and devotion as he gives his beloved Jason Voorhees.

As far as the "Comedy" aspect of this movie goes, it was actually very refreshing. It was not a slapstick make-fun-of-other-horror-movies
since-making-fun-of-movies-is-such-a-fresh-and-new-idea Scary Movie type of funny. It was very subtle puns and reactions that led it to be considered "comedy." Oh yea, and the gallons and gallons of blood spraying out of recently detached limbs as if being shot out of a super soaker kind of brings a smile to your face to (if you are as twisted and demented a movie goer as myself).

Hatchet is something fresh, as it boasts on the movie poster "not a remake, not a sequel, and it's not based on a Japanese one." It is good old fashioned slasher flick with completely unrealistic circumstances, pointless side stories, forgettable characters, and several bloody, gruesome, gore-riffic deaths. I just want something like this but with an exceptional plot and character development.

3/5 stars.